"Care But Do Not Carry"

"Care but do not carry."

I cam across this quote a while ago and felt moved a little bit. I know that sounds somewhat dramatic and maybe I just don't know how to put this feeling into words correctly. But it felt as though something shifted in me. I had a realization that this quote meant so much more to me than just words on a phone screen.

Something that I really struggle with is that I often take on the feelings of others around me. Mostly it is the people close to me but it even happens with people I do not know at all. While empathy is a characteristic that I am proud to have, it can be difficult to handle when taken further than needed. For example, there is a lot of arguing that goes on in my house. There's six of us and we're all on different schedules and both of my parents work so it can be hectic. Any time one of my siblings or parents gets yelled at or gets in trouble, I instantly feel a need to fix it. I feel bad for both people in the situation and I want both to resolve the issue. But that is not my job. So, I end up feeling bad for the people involved while also feeling anxious and stressed that they feel that way and that I cannot help. Or maybe I see someone post on Instagram about losing a loved one. Instantly I feel for these people but then it spirals. How are they dealing with this loss? They must be a mess. What if I lose someone close to me? Oh my gosh I would never recover. This kind of mentality can be detrimental to a person. It has shown me time and again how much it takes a toll on my own mental health.

Another way that this mentality comes into play is when someone is talking to me about something they are struggling with in their life. Whether they are in a severely dark spot in their life or they are complaining about boy problems, I feel the same kind of responsibility to fix their problem. As they are talking to me I listen and I try to give advice. I am so focused on saying the right thing that I don't really let myself listen fully and be there for them. What I try to remember in these circumstances is that it is not my job to fix them. I have countless problems on my plate that I need to deal with myself. While this does not invalidate their emotions or experiences, it reminds me that I can be there for them, I can listen, I can do my best to help but at the end of the day, that is not my job. I hope I'm not sounding cold because I certainly am always happy to listen to someone if they need it. But I have started to let go of my need to solve their problems. I can make them feel better in the moment or I can just listen. I can do my best to help and in remembering this idea that I cannot fix them, it helps me relax and actually be a better listener and support system for them.

So, back to the original quote - "care but do not carry." I take this to mean that it is okay to care. For your friends who are struggling. For the random person who posted about losing a loved one. For those who are in need. You can care about these people. But do not carry their problems with you. You don't have to walk around with that weight on your shoulders. It's okay to want to help people. Accepting that it is not your responsibility to fix someone is a huge step in YOUR mental wellness journey. Taking care of yourself will always take priority. You can be there for others while also creating boundaries that allow you to be there for yourself as well. You will be of best help to someone when you are feeling like your best self - which isn't perfect. Now, I know this won't happen over night. I still struggle with this more often than I wish to admit. But I am getting better and along the way I have started to help myself a little more. Mental health is a rollercoaster. You feel good one day and the next you may feel as though you've taken 15 steps back. That's okay. I'm right there with you. It's the tiny steps that make a difference.